26th March 1988

Janine has made a remarkable recovery from the last cycle of chemotherapy and there has been an unnerving normality to parts of the last week.  I feel as though we are in a holding bay.  It could just be that that the treatment is over and that we can start to adjust to living in the aftermath of a second cancer.  We will find out on the 7^th April when we will get the results of the scans Janine will have on the 6^th. It could also just be that Janine is cured, but that we will never actually know, of course, save with hindsight as each day, month and year passes without a return.  I do have a theory that Janine will outlive us all and be standing at our funerals disappointed that we simply couldn’t keep up.

The hospital forgot to arrange a blood test for Friday so we don’t even know if Janine is neutropenic this weekend.  We are assuming she is but, although she is in bed asleep at the moment, she is far less tired than we had thought she would be and generally less ‘unwell’.  These are good days and days to be thankful for.

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary.  I won’t use that fact to write again about vows and promises.  Nor will I bore you with my memories though I will remark that Shine Jesus Shine and Laura Ashley wedding dresses (in fact Laura Ashley anything) were new and cutting edge at the time.  For those of you sniggering a little at the thought of this, remember Shine Jesus Shine still has the now often neglected quality of lyrics that followed a theme and a consecutive thought pattern.  And Kath Kidston.  Honestly love, you really are so late 80s.

Instead of all that, it is time that I seek to make amends for one of the greatest errors a groom has ever made.  And I don’t mean booking your wedding day for the day before British summertime begins (think that one through).  No, shocking as it may seem to you now (and as it may have seemed at the time to those who were there), I did not at any point in the day’s proceedings or during my speech ever say how beautiful my new wife was and looked.  I could claim in my defence that neither did my Best Man or my Father in Law but I realise how inadequate that is as an excuse.  I wince inwardly even now as I write it.

As you can imagine, this is not something that Janine has ever raised with me or brought to the attention of others over the years ……..  ……. love, of course, keeps no record of wrongs.  

But it was and remains unforgiveable.  Janine, you were beautiful that day and you are beautiful now.  You have loved me, encouraged me, supported me, looked out for me, forgiven me, followed me, inspired me, sacrificed for me, given of yourself to me and, yes, admonished me, rebuked me and on many occasions been exasperated with me.  God gave you to me and I know that I would not be who or where I am now without you.  You and the Blues Brothers were right all along.  It was a mission from God. Unfortunately for you, you are only 23 years in.