This living a day at a time can be difficult. Everything in my personality rails against it; the longing for certainty in what the future will hold, the intense desire to control events and outcomes, the at times seemingly endless analysis of the different paths our lives might take.
Even as I pray for blessing from God, I’m (at best) subconsciously suggesting how he might bring that blessing about. As I come back to the hope of the good that will come from what is intended for harm, I know I have in mind the good I want to see and not the bigger picture. We might never know and we might never see.
Each morning, when I remember, I have to drag my mind back and tell myself again that I must live well and live right and face the difficulties in this day, in this next 24 hours, and not beyond.
Bob Seger had it right when he sang ‘we’ve got tonight’. .
OK, I’ll grant you that the lyrics might not be exactly to the point, that I’d actually quite like tomorrow and that I am sure the relationship counsellors amongst you would advise the lonely and weary woman involved that, if her plans really don’t include Bob then spending the night would not be the wisest move she ever made, but at points when Janine and I are wondering if the future is limited, those four words are a reminder that we have today and we had yesterday and that we can be grateful for that.
It is Jesus who really got it right of course. ‘Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own’ and ‘who by worrying can add a single hour to his life’ (Matthew 6: 34 and 27). I think over familiarity means we allow those words to lose their incredible power to release us from so much anxiety.
I am going to offend some of you with this but I also blame Marijohn Wilkin and Kris Kristofferson for writing the country hit ‘One Day at a Time’. Whenever I hear the words ‘one day at a time’ that song and its steel guitars are there in my head in an inevitable Southern twang. It really doesn't help.
When we left our heroine she was feeling better after a road trip to Hayling at the end of a week of tears. There were more tears to follow over the weekend and into this week and some very dark moments again on Tuesday and Wednesday as the fear of the third cycle combined with a fear of the process of dying. It is not that anyone has come anything like close to saying death will be the result of this but you can never say that this fear is irrational. Death inevitably comes into focus at moments like this. Which could take me back to valleys and shadows.
The last couple of days have been better. For Janine it was important to be reminded again by our GP that she cannot be forced to have any treatment at all and that everything that is done is done by her choice and consent. She ultimately feels no peace about not having the third cycle and so is getting herself ready for it. The Lymphoma nurses have confirmed again how important it is. They have also left open the possibility of some radiotherapy and a further chemo cycle but for now that is definitely a step too far.
More immediately, Janine has a few more days to recover. Her platelets are too low for anything to begin on Monday. Instead she will have a further blood test and if the platelet count is where it needs to be, she could start on Wednesday. I’m not going to hold my breath though as there is also a backlog of patients needing treatment.
I hope you enjoy your weekend.
And yes, you will find Bob Seger on U Tube. Go on you know you want to .....